IN The Fire

I quickly into the world of exotic dancing and because I had been raised in church this was unfamiliar and made me uneasy to say the least. Even though I was a 110 pounds soaking wet I was shy about my body. I also needed liquid courage to take on that first step, the step on the stage. The first step that stepped into a world that was not a step most church girls would take. Even though the guys there were mostly nice and mostly Navy guys I still felt dirty even being there let alone being on the stage. Once I was up there I was drawn in quicker than I thought, the feeling if being desirable and all eyes on me was intoxicating in itself. I had always been a good dancer so that part came easy. The more nights I worked, the more I drank to deal with the reality if the career I had chosen. The life became a party, party girl at work and a mom the rest of the time. What was not easy was that still small voice that kept calling to me to get out of the fire I was burning up in. You see, all this was temporary and all I needed was to trust God, because I refused to do that I had jumped out of Gods loving arms and in to the devils playground of hell. I was sinking and I knew it. The more I sank the more guilty I felt inside. I was too ashamed to see my parents and worried that word would get back to them and how upset they would be. The funny thing about getting in slowly is you often do not realize how hot the fire is you have jumped into. I think of the story I would hear about how a frog put in a pot with a slowly rise in temperature would not jump out but die being boiled. That was me, one little setting would get a little higher and was slowly burning me to pieces as I started to slip away. What is a couple of lines of cocaine and some drinks if it is just to numb myself for work? I had a excuse for everything and an answer to nothing. Maybe the numbness needed was the abuse I faced in foster care, my brother dying, marriage failing... I felt alone and all I knew is I had little ones to take care and falling apart was not an option. Falling apart would have been better than falling into the pit of hell for satan to rip to shreds. I had no clue just how messy it could get but soon would.